FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT FURNITURES

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If you have a question, it will go here, along with the answer, in the Furnitures FAQ.

E-mail me at:

gumey@hotmail.com


  • What show? A real show? An actual show? When, Where, Why, How?

    The show is about a large brownish oafish named Furnitures. It might surprise you to know that Furnitures is in fact a sea mammal. The show also stars his many friends, many of whom are aloof and a bit snobbish. But you won't hear Furnitures complaining! He is completely unaware of them.


  • How on earth did you decide to name a creature "Furnitures"?

    hmmm... not sure I understand.


  • Let me rephrase it then:
    How did you decide to name anything other than a chair, lamp, futon, ottoman, or shelf, 'Furnitures', let alone a Big Brown Oaf?

    It was not my decision to make. The producer of the show, a noted philanthropist/balloonist whose name I am not allowed to disclose, discovered Furnitures out in the vast outreaches of an unmentioned Sea, and felt that it would be a great boon to society if he could bring Furnitures, the "Great Brown Oaf" to the children of the world. The name Furnitures was either parent-given, or dreamt up by the wealthy entrepeneur.


  • Does Yetso (played by Sir Washington Crabula) have a baboon for his heart, or does Sir Crabula? If Crabula does, is he often type-cast?

    Sir Crabula (the actor) does not actually have a baboon for a heart. The baboon is a separate actor, not affiliated with Washington's internal organs. The scenes where the baboon is needed are shot separately in a fake rib cage set. But don't let the kids know!


  • Who is this baboon?!? I must know! Is he available on weekends?

    I should think so. He is rather underappreciated. The baboon comes from South Optical Baboon Supply Services. I think the supplier's name is Walter Rim.


  • While it is inherently obvious that children love Furnitures... do they in fact find sanctity in knowing that Life is finite? Or should I ask Yetso?

    Yetso is busy. Go away.


  • If the oaf were made of something other than oaf material, maybe something like felt or random pasta shapes, would the oaf still be evil?

    As a matter of fact, there will be an upcoming episode about this very subject! Expect hilarious cameos from some of your favorite people in your neighborhood! You'll never guess who's been tipping over Mrs. Clyda Herschel's flower pots! But, to answer your question (SPOILER): No, it would not affect his alignment or "persuasion" towards a particular moral behavior. I personally am not sure I agree with this particular take on the subject. But, hey, I don't write the show!


  • For Gorget (who plays Phyllis): What was it like playing the "Anti-Hamlet" and did colliding with your counterpart on stage cause a massive explosion last Tuesday?

    The doctor will see you now... please step this way.


  • It is implied by an earlier question that Furnitures is evil, perhaps as a result of his "oafish" flesh. However, he seems pretty innocuous to me, especially when compared to his fiendish co-star, Yetso. Is Furnitures, in fact , evil?

    Furnitures is truly too oafish to know right from wrong, but does he know Righto from Wrongo? The two continue to perplex him.


  • How does one tell Righto from Wrongo?

    Transcendental Meditation


  • Did you know that young children nine times out of ten refer to Furnitures as "Footychoos"?

    Yes, of course I know that. I am not an idiot.


  • And that the tenth kid calls him "Desmond"?

    Hmm.. this I did not know. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.


  • What is Furnitures doing to his mouth on the main page?

    He is trying to whistle. He is failing.


  • Can you tell me a little bit more about the Oaf?

    Yes!

    He likes icicles and unicycles. He has a strange fondness for clowns with sad faces (happy-faced clowns really make him nervous though). After viewing any large bodies of water, he'll get very homesick. And he will usually try to make a break for it.

    Don't let him.

    Furnitures may be a famous celebrity loved by dozens of children on this side of the Atlantic (and parts of Ecuador), but he has a different personality that he likes to keep away from the camera. Or rather, the producers of his television show make sure it's kept secret. Furnitures was born presumably in an aquatic burrow. His exact age is unknown. At some point circa 1980, he was... well I guess I'll just let this little poem help explain what happened (you can sing it with the tune to 'Puff the Magic Dragon'):

    ***

    Furnitures the Great Brown Oaf
    lived quite happily
    and frolicked in the murky depths
    of Some Unmentioned Sea

    Now Furnitures he likes to swim
    and also count to three
    But he often has to rise on up
    to get some air to breath.

    One day he came up to grab a gulp
    and spotted an oddity.
    A man was falling from above,
    Now who could this man be?

    Why, it's the richest greatest man of all,
    and I'm sure that you agree.
    This man's name I can't disclose
    He's known for philanthropy.

    On that fateful day the man was throwing off
    a lot of his money
    over the side of his hot air balloon.
    It was quite a quantity.

    The Philanthropist got knocked overboard
    when the balloon hit a tree.
    Or at least that's what he thinks occurred,
    It was really hard to see.

    Now at the same time, Furnitures rose
    and he just happened to be
    right below where the man was due
    to meet his destiny.

    Furnitures threw up his arms
    and caught the falling debris,
    who took one look at his rescuer
    and had an ephiphany!

    This Great Brown Oaf was huggable
    and silly, and friendly.
    He'd be perfect as the host of his
    own kids show on T.V.!

    Furnitures the Great Brown Oaf
    will go down in history.
    Once he was airlifted out,
    he entered into slavery.

    As a Philanthropist, he can't condone
    such immoral activity,
    But where would we be without his
    wonderful gift to humanity?


     Elise asks:
  • I want to meet Cowboy Rowboat! How? How? HOW?!

    Well, if you are interested in him, you should probably watch out. He is completely insane. And also, a force to be reckoned with. I've never met him, and would probably run from him if he ever tried to meet me. He is very sociable and likes to meet people, but I've talked to some he's met and they all say that the experience, though rewarding, is not worth the forty years in the hospital.

    Cowboy Rowboat is from some other planet, not Earth. He doesn't speak our language particularly well, except he can sing little songs. A lot of people don't know this, but he has a softer, more nurturing side that comes out when he's not rampaging. That's easily his favorite thing to do: rampaging. My guess is he's doing it right now. No one knows where Mr. Rowboat is at the moment. He is very much "at large". He's probably subtly manipulating the world's events. Ever heard of the Elvita Concord? ... Me neither, but that was him. Also, there was a chicago deli that I've heard he had a hand in destroying. He frequented the place for many years but then as a token of his appreciation, he brought his grateful fist down upon its very presence. That chicago deli is now a pawn shop. Coincidence? Mystery seems to follow Cowboy's very footsteps. If only he'd look back and recognize his pursuer.

    So if you're thinking of being a Cowboy Rowboat Groupie, I'd advise ceasing such an avocation before you even begin. No one likes a rampage, especially when the rampage is taking place on and around one's HEAD!

    Or IN one's head, as the case may be for poor Cowboy Rowboat, whom our food scientists have classified as 'mentally ill' (and also 'a good source of Vitamin D').


    Emily asks:
  • What are the favorite foods of the cast of Furnitures?   Do any of them like chocolate pudding?

    Good questions!   As of the time of this writing, everyone involved in the show except Mr. Crimb (that includes grips and gaffers) is a fan of chocolate pudding.
    As far as favorite foods:
    Furnitures -- because he is a sea mammal, he eats what all sea mammals eat. He is sprayed daily with it.
    Sir Washington Crabula -- fettucini alfredo specifically, but he has been known to down a "health drink" so popular now with the young people every now and again.
    Gorget -- Gorget says she loves "all foods". Not content with this vague response, we pressed her to reveal what she was hiding. She was unwilling to specify. Perhaps she does not want to say. Perhaps we wouldn't like what she has to say...
    Mr. Crimb -- despite being a wolf, he has chosen to eat nothing but peas. However, he is willing to make an exception if the role calls for it. During his short stint on the 1988 production of "Lung Cleaver" in Cleveland, Mr. Crimb bathed in honey and ate large buns smeared with horseradish. The role of Cappy Von Saggitarius, the Angry Heir of the Shepfield Thousands, demanded it, he told us.
    The puppeteer who performs Righto and Wrongo -- Chalk-o Brand Instant Dinners, more specifically, the one with the turkey slab bits.


    Dan asks:
  • I like furnitures because he is so silly. Why is he so silly? Was he born that way? Why isn't he in the sea now with the rest of the silly sea mammals? In episode thirteen, why was Yetso bleeding from the mouth and ears?

    Furnitures is indeed silly. I am so often impressed with the questions I get from the fans. We really know what we're talking about! Furnitures' silliness is rooted deeply in mythology and the collective unconscious. Do a keyword search on the web for "silly" and maybe "sea" and you'll see what I mean. I am always amazed by the level of complexity on this show. Who knew that metaphors could be extended so far?

    Back to the questions: Furnitures was born deep within the sea but he was much smaller then. During the course of his life, he must have grown into the current sized largish oafish. Is silliness inherent? Was he born with it? Was there a change, a metamorphosis, a cocoon-like transformation into Sillyhood? I think not! And I don't think I need to say why! Harumph!

    Furnitures is not in the sea now because he was removed. Yetso was bleeding because he angered Lyle. I think we've all bled from the angering of Lyle every now and then, eh?


    Sean asks:

  • In the Bathing episode, is that a Thighmaster that Gorget is holding while she hovers over Furnitures? If so, was that a paid endorsement of the Thighmaster or merely a happy coincidence? I want a "Get Busy" award!

    No, that is not a Thighmaster (TM). It is Gorget's arms in a diving position. She is wearing floaties. She is not hovering. She is standing on the edge of the bathtub. I'm sorry - you can't have a "Get Busy" award. You can have a "Get Busty" award though.


    Humbreto asks:
  • How do you respond to the alligations that Furnitures episodes five and six are in sync with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon"? I was skeptical at first, but since Wrongo's mugging in episode six starts at the same time as "Money" I am convinced that it's true.


    It is entirely and completely and utterly and 100-percently and undeniably and palpably TRUE!

    sortof.

    I mean, yes it is totally.

    One crucial aspect of the FtGBO5&6/DSM experience is timing. It is important to begin the CD at the end of the second to last utterance of the word "velvet" by Phyllis in episode 5. If you're not listening carefully, you'll miss it. Yetso's conversation with his baboon heart corresponds exactly to the ticking sounds of "Speak to Me". The scenes where Yetso badgers Furnitures to come out of the cave begin with the song "Breathe". The lyric "And balanced on the biggest wave you race towards an early grave" plays as Furnitures loses his balance and falls to the ground (much to the delight of Yetso and the observing Children). The song "On the Run" sounds the alarm when Phyllis appears. The tempo follows the bickering between Phyllis and Yetso. Mr. Crimb makes his decision to run away from the argument EXACTLY during the song "Time", or at least some point near it. Then, Mr. Crimb escapes Phyllis's attempts to hug him and jumps through the window to the lyric "Waiting for someone or something to show you the way" if you kindof stretch your imagination a bit.

    Pretty freaky, huh?

    Episode six begins with a discussion of pigeons, while the "Breathe Reprise" plays:

    Home, home again
    I like to be here when I can
    When I come home cold and tired
    It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
    Far away across the field
    The tolling of the iron bell
    Calls the faithful to their knees
    To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

    It's pretty impressive that Floyd came up with such obscure metaphors for pigeons. They are quite the Riddle-masters, eh?

    The fourth track, "The Great Gig in the Sky", plays as Furnitures' pals get a visit from Pioneero, who teaches them woodcraft. The vocals by Clare Torry peak as he wrestles various bears.

    Wrongo is mugged during "Money" as Furnitures opens the door and discovers the missing shoes. Everyone eats cookies and tries to get milk mustaches to the lyric "And I think I need a Lear jet."

    The song "Us and Them" plays during Phyllis's encounter with the Children and Snobby Snob the Snorrible Snob, who is visiting from Kentucky. The lyric "Black and blue/And who knows which and which and who is who" plays as Yetso explains that Furnitures has stopped breathing. The line "Up and down" plays as the camera aims downward at Furnitures' dying form. "Down and Out" plays as Yetso calls the Undertaker.

    The track "Any Color You Like" plays as Mr. Crimb eats the vividly colored mashed potatoes.

    "Brain Damage" starts and Furnitures meets up with his image in the mirror, who he thinks is his long lost brother. He begins flopping and flailing about on the ground to the lyrics "The lunatic is on the grass." Various pirate minions of Yetso's show up and try to sit on him to the lyric "Got to keep the loonies on the path." The song ends with "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon" and then leads into "Eclipse".


    Dr. Klien asks:
  • Are you actively investing in healthcare? An associate of mine suggested I look into one of the company being evaluated in his office. It looks like a good technology and they are already generating revenue. Let me know if you want to check it out.

    I am still trying to figure out what your question has to do with Furnitures. Could you rephrase it?



    Special thanks to Brian Stokes and August Highrise

    and thanks to all those that submitted questions